Let joy in.
For anyone who has suffered trauma and needed an escape from the pain and suffering of the experiences and memories it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to alcohol abuse and addiction. Self-medication is a slippery slope that definitely doesn’t resolve the emotional pain you’re trying to mask.
I spent years drowning out the voices in my head and trying to escape the grips of my psychopathic parent. My life with her, my life in general has always been met with invalidation, gaslighting, projection and crazy-making. Drinking allowed me to forget about that. It allowed my brain to stop trying to figure out what was happening to and around me; to numb the fact that someone I loved, and should love me could be so cruel, so heartless.
I don’t think I’ll remain sober unless I deal with the underlying trauma that caused my addiction in the first place. But, I’m not one to sit in a counsellors office and share my life story and have them tell me It wasn’t my fault, blah, blah, blah. These are things my logical brain already knows. It’s my emotional brain that needs healing – and I think that’s 100% my responsibility. I’m tired of being her victim, tired of killing my own happiness to escape the memories of the physical and psychological torture that she inflicted. She doesn’t get to continue to control my life anymore, which means alcohol can’t either.
I used to say that I don’t know how to heal from it. And maybe I still don’t. But I think the first step is to just accept the fact that I had a super shitty parent- millions of people do, this isn’t something uncommon and I need to focus on being better for my child instead of living in the pain of the past. Or else, what I am doing? Just inflicting trauma onto him that he’ll later have to over-come? He’s been on this earth just over a decade, I can’t turn back time; but maybe, I can stick around for the next few decades’ alcohol free.